I've been away from this a while, I guess. I'm halfway through my neuromodulator trial, it's going pretty well. Impossible to tell how well it's working what with the buprenorphine/pregabalin/duloxetine in my bloodstream but it definitely isn't hurting. It's not as weird as I thought it would be, having wires and stuff coming out of me, and being able to affect my nerves just by slowly twisting a dial. The first week I was attached to a wire on the left hand side, and the sensation was like a TENS machine, in my left buttock at first, butt then slowly wore off so that by the end of the week I was on max and couldn't feel the sensation anymore. The surgery was nice, I was on a sedation so I was breathing independently and I felt well enough afterwards to attend my nephew's second birthday party. This second week I have the wire on the right hand side, and when I turn the dial up I can feel it in my right buttock and a weird cramping sensation in a rather more personal area. And if I turn it up far enough, my foot twitches and moves, it's pretty weird. But I'm hoping I can have it implanted permanently anyway. I've developed an allergic reaction to my patches. Yet I have to continue with them, because I would get bad withdrawal if I just stopped them, decreasing fast though as my skin is bright red. Been prescribed Oxytocin next.

I'm feeling weird. Probably being off work too long, and not having enough to do. I feel so sad and nostalgic for times that I've had with people I no longer see or speak to, all the people who aren't in my life anymore from people who've died to people I don't speak to anymore. I don't know why, I'm not a nostalgic kind of person. I'm just in a strange mood where I miss anyone and everyone. I don't know what's up with me. I had so many nightmares last night, been having them all week, always involving my mum, often my brother, I'm pregnant quite a bit, often trying to get away from someone who is trying to assault me and take my baby/ies away, or I'm in a video game where the bottom layer is a sewage tank, or I'm in a three-way relationship with a guy and a girl where I'm having sex with the girl but secretly want her dead because I'm in love with the guy. I've even been getting upset over the fact that Desperate Housewives is coming to an end and watching chat show episodes with the actors/actresses and feeling weird that I'll never see them in that show again soon, probably cos I watched the whole thing right through all at once while not well but I dunno, it's sad. I even feel genuinely down about one of the characters being killed off, thinking about his grieving wife etc. whilst knowing they're entirely, totally fictional. It's a pretty new state of mind for me and I feel half nuts.

We adopted a 2 year old white hamster called Amy from a friend.