Hello, hollow halo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTvnBkdXhKs

I can't stop listening to this song, it has been so long since I fell in love this hard with a new band/album/track but it's finally happened with Karnivool Sound Awake. Feels like the greatest Xmas gift I could ever have received. This song is unreal. It is so emotive and desperate and full of this insane energy. It has been building me up and spurring me on so much over the past week, all I've listened to is this CD. Today I've just wound up in tears and having a massive cry, it's been a month since I last cried, seems to be all flooding out.

Since the last post hmmm... Matt dumped me outta the blue after five months. It was going so well, it seemed, he got a new job with more hours (from a 30hr job to a 40hr) and just seemed to go majorly stressed, I still can't quite place why he broke up with me, other than that it must have been infatuation on his part, which wore off. He was convinced it was love, even when he broke up with me, but as someone who's had a four year and a two year relationship before I know it can't be. He'd never had a proper relationship before so maybe it's the closest thing he knew. I can't really slag the guy off at all, I mean his feelings changed, and he acted on them, it's fine, it's the right thing to do. But it broke my heart. It took superhuman strength to allow myself to trust him and feel safe and get past the gut feeling it was all going to end out of the blue, I felt so happy with him, and then all of a sudden it's gone again. I initiated no contact, blocked his number and facebook etc. and deleted all of the photos. It's too painful, I don't think I can get over somebody when I'm in touch with them. I hope he's happy whatever he ends up doing in life. It still hurts when I remember him but there are good and bad days with that and the bad are few and far between now. It's just another piece of the puzzle.

Today I think I'm crying because I started trying to explain to someone why I wouldn't be with my family on Christmas Day and it just all hit me again, it's like being a stuck record I guess, not that I talk about it that often. I only really talk that much to Laura and Dermot about it usually. I've felt so ill lately, I had a migraine a fortnight ago and ever since then I've had horrible killer headaches every day and it's draining me, I'm going to doctors tomorrow. And I said I'd have a chapter of my dissertation written for tomorrow, which I haven't done. Because I've been in bed in pain, and now I'm in floods. The pressure of it creeping up is getting to me I guess. I did write 1k words yesterday though which is a start, I just can't get my head out of my arse. I miss so many people :( we were in Morrisons at the weekend and they were playing UB40 then the Four Tops and it is just so weird, that it's been three years since my mum died. I don't want time to keep passing. I don't want to keep getting further and further away from her. I miss her so much. I miss my brother, I don't understand how I can fiercely love and fucking despise one single person so much. I miss my nephews, man I miss them. I miss everything about them. I fucking hate that he took me experiencing their baby and toddler years away from me now. I miss Sid's little nose and grey eyes and I miss seeing Finley learn to properly talk and I'll miss his first day at school, I miss warm cuddles and changing nappies. Xmas day after Samaritans I'm off to Laura's and I am really looking forward to spending it with her and her family of course but it just highlights the lack of my own I guess. I wait for my dad to invite me round but he doesn't, and I dunno, I just feel adrift and lost. I still feel the pain from Dan leaving me for sure, however much I'm over him as a person. I still find it hard to believe how much has gone wrong in a year and a bit, I just need some respite. I just feel consumed by loss sometimes, I guess I need to be kind to myself and that fourteen months isn't the longest period in the world to come to terms with my bro and the nephews and three guys on top of my mum but I just feel like I should be fine.

Weird thing is, I am 'fine'. Most of the time, nearly all of the time. It's just today. Being on my own, listening to this song, thinking about the time of year, thinking about how badly I didn't want this to be such a shitty year. I really don't see myself trusting anybody new for an eternity.