I just thought I'd better write something in case anyone reads the last lot of stuff from a few days ago and panics, I'm feeling a bit better, I had some shit go on with uni who seem to have called me in tomorrow for a bollocking but I didn't actually do anything wrong so hopefully it'll be short, sweet and reflected back at them; they've fucked up, not me, in this situation. Anyway I got a placement working for a mental health charity as a housing support worker, helping basically support service users living within residential shared accommodation who have serious mental health issues. Looks really good, I start Monday. I'm just really looking forward to getting stuck in again, I've fucking hated the past three weeks with my dick of an ex-agency and then having no placement, and I was really impressed with the professionalism of this agency in comparison; they had an induction pack ready for me to read over the weekend, are sorting me out with a crackberry, have already planned out what I'm doing next week. It's a million trillion miles away from the place I was at before so hopefully I can just get started and caught up. I'm feeling a bit better about other stuff too, now it has been a few days the shock of seeing my ex on the dating site has sunk in and gone and I'm okay with it, I guess it's like everything that upsets you at first, time just makes it more of a dull fact and less of a gut churning shock that totally throws you right off balance. As for my brother, well he lied to my dad saying he had been replying to my messages but I can't be arsed with his shit anymore, I told my dad I was done and that I didn't want to hear any more about him/won't be attending anything where he is present. I need more out of my family and friends than to be treated like dirt. I'm still not hungry and it's the most bizarre feeling in the world, in the past five days I've had two lattes, a smoothie, a hotdog in a bun, two buns (I'd already arranged to go to my friend's house for lunch and she made them specially for me so I kinda had to) and a biscuit. I just feel nothing. It's remarkably freeing not to be constrained by the feeling of needing food, of having to set time aside to eat it, I know in the long term it's not sustainable and obviously bodies need food to run, but right now I'm just rolling with it a) out of curiosity and b) because it is making me lose weight like you wouldn't believe, I've lost half a stone in four or five days according to the scales and even though it may just be water or something, I feel so much lighter and my clothes actually fit properly. The physical damage of not eating is being way outweighed by the mental benefits of thinking I'm FINALLY gonna lose weight and get back down to what I was, confident with my body and knowing I look awesome, as opposed to straining the buttons on my jeans and hating myself while continuing to eat cakes and fry ups at uni every day. So things are kinda looking up, I think. I don't know if that was a 'breakdown' or I'm still there or what but I do feel slightly better and hopefully I'll carry on feeling better once I'm on placement. I don't feel like my ex can hurt me anymore, I am already living the pain of trying to get back to a friendship with the person I'm desperately in love with (we can't just 'cut contact') and I'm dealing with it, and for some reason my mum and brother issues don't seem so pressing. They're less emotionally draining, anyway. My friends are amazing and if you've read this far or I've spoken to you in the past week you have kept me afloat and I love you. I may not have many of the things I really want but I have you guys and that love and trust that exists between us is something I believe I'll never lose and keeps me going sometimes. xxx