It has been a really bad week for awful things happening to people around me, I know they're not to me and I'm grateful for that but thinking about it all made me feel so down and sad all day yesterday, just thinking about what a shit place the world is (on balance) and the crap that people go through, I hate feeling so useless. On Thursday my best friend had her graduation ceremony which was lovely and I was so proud, and then her nan had a stroke in the afternoon while they were in town, thank god she walked free from the hospital later that night (!) but it was still really worrying wondering what was going to happen, and obviously a million times moreso for them. Obviously she's my best friend, but I'm close to her mum too (the person that came round every week for months on end last year when I was really low on morphine) and the thought of either of them going through losing someone they love kills me, when you just feel so useless. And then I spoke to a mate at uni on Friday, a person I'm not particularly close to but chat to in lectures and stuff and she was the victim of a really serious sexual assault on campus this week, she took her jacket off in the lecture and she was covered in bruises and scratches and it just made me so full of rage and feel sick. They caught the man who did it pretty much straight away but she said the police treated her so badly and she was so done with the stress of it all she dropped the charges, hoping that being caught and locked up for the night would scare him enough. :( Friday we had a really good day at uni, it's our 3 hour lecture in the morning then 3 hour break and another 3 hour lecture 3-6pm so we spent the middle three hours in the pub just chatting shit and having a laugh, so many hysterics, and then in our lecture at 3 we were sat at the back and it was so funny, we kept drawing cocks on each other's work and finding pictures of things I'd rather not discuss on our phones to show each other lol, it was so immensely childish but oh so funny, after the break I came back, sat down and turned the page over to see another particularly detailed cock drawing and I just lost it, the whole lecture I was just, aching trying not to laugh, for some reason it was all magnified so much more by the fact that we're in our twenties and thirties, postgrads, some of us married with kids lol. Cock drawings are clearly perenially hilarious. Then we noticed this one guy hadn't been back in uni since before Christmas, so I sent him a message on facebook asking if he was okay (he wasn't one of my closest friends on the course but was one of them that I knew better than the people I don't know at all, and a really great guy), assumed he'd been snowed in as he lives like an hour away. Then I went out last night with somebody on what may be a date, it's hard to say, but I'm interested in the situation developing and we had a great time, going out again a couple of times this week. Walking home in the heavy snowfall in platform stillettos was less than fun, but yeah it was a really good night, loads in common, get on really well and fancy each other, to be blunt lol. Which is interesting as we've known each other years and used to live together, as in, we flatshared the two of us privately... anyway I'm keeping an open mind. But I woke up yesterday morning to a text from the guy from uni, J, saying along the lines of 'sadly not okay, been diagnosed with advanced inoperable brain cancer, prognosis is a few months if the radiotherapy works!' and I was like.... speechless. I just cannot believe it, it's just heartbreaking. To start a course like that training to help other people and he was really intelligent and confident and always one of the ones to push for things for students like running a module that didn't quite have enough students or becoming student rep etc. and he has young kids, to know he probably isn't gonna see summer is just like, I think even though we've not been on the course that long so aren't all massively close yet it's just so upsetting. We're going to see him on Wednesday hopefully, if he's free, he said everyone is welcome to visit any time as he doesn't want the house to become a morgue, so hopefully we can go and see him and... who the fuck knows what you do in that kind of situation or what you say? But I'm sure we'll figure it out. He seems to be open to talking about it and stuff, just want him to know we're here and we care and we'll do whatever we can for him while he's still around even if he isn't at uni. There are some really good people on my course that care lots about other people and everyone seems to be chomping at the bit to do something for him, not sure what we can really do (there's nothing really, is there?) but if he wants us to be there, we will be.

So it's been kinda an emotionally draining week. I'm aware that it's all stuff that's happened to other people, I guess it's just putting things into perspective in a way. I'm whinging so much lately to people about how tired and exhausted I am and how stressed and skint I am and how I'm gonna struggle to get everything done, and then you go and hear about someone away from home on the course who's been raped, or someone that is just... not gonna... I think it's the lack of flourishing that is upsetting. I know how good a social worker he would make, and it's devastating for him that he's got to face this, knowing he's going to die. I can't even imagine the horror of it, at all, knowing that it's coming. You kinda act as though you think you're immortal in some ways, yeah you do little things like get life insurance or critical illness cover but in general you know you're going to die but it feels so far away it doesn't bother you all that much. I just can't even imagine how his family are going to feel and cope. I'm just at a loss for words really, this past week (months?) I've needed to cry so much but don't think I have for a few months, nothing sparks it off. But I've had a lump in my throat thinking through everything that's happened and stuff. So yeah, not much more to say than that, really.