But that's mainly because I try contain a lot of it to this blog, especially the poor me shit. But seriously I wonder when things are going to take an upward turn. I found a seven inch crack in my windscreen yesterday, which is going to be ninety fucking pounds to replace. That, along with needing a new car tax disc (£90) and an NHS card to pay for my prescriptions (£30 for three months) leaves me with approximately -£10 to last for the next 30 days. I have a credit card but I so much don't want to use it, I took a loan out to wipe it clean and get rid of my student overdraft and I'm scared shitless I'll end up back in debt on those and still paying the £80 a month to get rid of my loan, I only work 28 hours paid a week and I can't seem to live on that amount and yet I can't increase my hours because a) I won't have the time or energy to do the voluntary work I do which is good experience for a future career and b) I'm too ill most of the time to know I can commit to 5 days a week with 6am starts and not get even sicker. My career's going absolutely fucking nowhere fast, I feel like I'm drowning in lack of money, I'm in pain every fucking day with only a tiny chance of ever getting better, my mum's still and always gonna be dead no matter how much I want her back, I sincerely hate the way I look and feel disgusted every time I see myself naked and the new stretch marks I've created yet I can't seem to find the willpower to stop eating as much and actually do some exercise. I feel like I'm 14 again only less scared, with the same urge to hurt myself I had back then only having to fight it now I'm older and have people I want to protect from seeing it.
So what's good right now? Well my relationship is wonderful, we fight like any couple at times but we're together, happy, strong and excited about our future together. Waking up each day next to somebody I love more than anyone I have before is every bit as awesome as I knew it would be, just the day to day shit like cooking meals or watching shitty tv or snuggling up and watching a film or splitting the housework and other mundane things, they're all great with him. And he understands what's going on with me right now and how I feel, as much as anyone can, I couldn't ask for more. My friends, they're exceptional too. I feel so, SO blessed to have the people in my life that I do, people I know would do anything for me and I'd do anything for, people that I have injokes with dating back a decade, that I have been with through every brilliant and terrible happening since things started to really matter. People that I feel totally at ease with and no pressure at all, who know what I'm like as a person and know nearly everything about me. Friends that I might not live near anymore or speak to every week but that I know are with me for keeps. Friends who've had spookily similar experiences to myself and who inspire the shit outta me with their passion, ambition and drive to make the world an amazing place even through all the shit they are dealing with, they still want to help other people. That kinda thing just burns inside of me and makes me all warm and fuzzy. So I'd say that the collection of people I'm lucky enough to call friends more than negate all of the drowning I'm feeling right now. My nephew is hands down the greatest thing to happen to me, he makes me happier than anyone else can, he makes me feel proud through the tiniest things like putting his own nappy in the bin, he makes me go all fuzzy and amazed when he runs over to give me a kiss or clings to me when he's crying and I'm babysitting and I'm the only person available, none of that makes it feel any less special. He makes me feel like I'd kill myself if it meant making sure he's ok. All of that, and he isn't even my kid. He's the closest I've got, though, and being an Auntie is so fucking brilliant it's my favourite role in life and the thing that brings me most pleasure. And he has brought me much closer to my brother, I don't think we even shared a sentence growing up once he was a teenager, we have nothing in common on paper and we still don't exactly have wildly complex conversations but he's a much bigger part of my life these days after all we went through with our mum and him having my nephew, I feel this fierce unconditional love I don't think I've felt for anyone else in my family barring those two. And of course, music. Nothing needs to be said about that.
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