Speed

"In loving memory of J C S born 19th January 1953, called to rest on 23rd December 2010. Will be remembered for her love of classical music, UB40, Norman Wisdom and her cats. Was the world's best mam, mum, nan and loving partner and will be forever in our hearts.

As you rest in peaceful sleep, your memory I will always keep xxx"

That's the headstone inscription we've written, well actually my brother wrote the whole lot. I didn't know what to say or how to start it and we've been collectively avoiding getting it done for the past few months (it should really be up by now) due to busyness and maybe also because we were stuck for what to write. Then he came up with that, never knew he had it in him. He's the most emotion-less person on the surface, he doesn't show his feelings, doesn't cry easily and we don't speak about how we feel about the whole thing, so I was surprised to hear such a beautiful tribute to her. And I know nothing would make her happier than to know her darling son wrote it, she was absolutely smitten with him from the moment she found out she was pregnant right up until the end, when I say that I get the impression people think I must mean it bitterly or mean something like I didn't think she loved me as much, but I don't mean that at all. I know she loved me and it's amazing to read her diaries from the year I was born and thereafter, how much she loved me and was amazed at every new little thing I did, despite having had two kids before me! But yes, she adored him so I know this would have made her very happy.

There's a weird memorial service going on tomorrow at the church we were christened at, I think we got the invite because of her dying, as that's where we went to meet the vicar and write the bits she spoke. I wasn't too fussed as it's not really about her and bound to be full of religion which annoys and bores me, but my brother is dead set on us going so that's the plan. Her partner Dave is coming too, haven't seen him for months and months so it will be good to see him again. It's a weird connection really, they were together about 6 or 7 years though they didn't live together (she didn't want that kinda thing ever again) and I really like the guy, we got on well and I was chuffed they were together. But now there's no kinda connection there but I feel as though I wanna keep him in my life, however peripherally, as he is another link to her from me and I hope that maybe it can keep her memory alive for him if we stay friends. He got on well with my stepmum at the funeral wake, as well as you can really get on with the wife of your deceased partner's ex-husband, but they made an effort to speak to him etc. so I think if I have big events in the future like a wedding or baby naming party I'd like him to be there. Our phones don't communicate for some reason though, they've had problems for ages, when she was ill I'd go see her then text him to keep him updated if he wasn't going that day but he'd often not get it and think I hadn't bothered or had forgotten. After the service I'm off to my friend's to add some finesse to the letter I bashed out while emotional and high that I'm going to send to various people begging for help for my bladder. He says he knows what to write and who to send it to, and I believe that wholeheartedly so I'm relieved to have his support, practical and emotional. When I updated my facebook saying how I'd been denied for the treatment my other friend was straight on MSN telling me it's not over, don't give up, we'll get it sorted, we'll raise the money if we have to, she'll jump out of a plane herself if it makes a difference. It was so sweet, so supportive, so reassuring. She is there for me, yet doesn't try give me false reassurance that everything's going to be okay, which I appreciate a lot. I don't know how I wound up with so many friends of that calibre and an amazing boyfriend to boot but somehow I did, I love them, feel overcome with love sometimes but it's a wonderful feeling. I have sooooooooo much to be grateful for, which makes all the crap that much easier to handle. I'm lucky I had the mum I had because she did amazing things for me and shaped me into who I am, that will never die (until I do) even though she's gone, pretty long gone now (nearly a year, I can't believe it).

End of rambling. Watching Harry Hill on tv and going to play some TS3, fucking loving that game atm. Bonfire night tonight, was gonna go to this pub bonfire and fireworks display with the brother/nephew/boyfriend/sister in law but couldn't be arsed in the end. Definitely ready for a nice chilled cosy snuggly warm peaceful evening.