Um...

So I've had this horrible cold for a couple days, last night I skipped my second Counselling class as I felt so rough. Weirdly enough the friend I go with texted me in the afternoon to say he couldn't go as he wasn't well and had gone home from work for the day, something must be going round. It's realllly hard to sleep when you can't use your nose. Plus I've somehow pulled a muscle or sprained something in my left buttock... I don't know quite how to describe the location but it just feels as though the lower part of my hip, and some muscle in my actual arse cheek, and my coccyx are all hurting. It hurt so much to move my leg during the night I woke my bf up whimpering, he's pretty used to this so just response 'what's hurting?' and I think even he was surprised it was that. I think it might have been from the standing land at the skydive, I maybe jarred something by putting my feet on the floor and taking the weight of me/my partner/the kit/the chute. Been at prison today, it went pretty well. Spent the morning in group session, the first session was on peer review, where each person is asked to give feedback as to what they think stands in their peer's way to sobriety and being clean, things such as glamourising drug use, not paying attention, not asking for help, low motivation, people pleasing etc. It's really hard in that environment to be honest as an honest, fair constructive criticism in the session could quite easily turn into someone resenting it and being assaulted on the wing. The second session was a Step Lecture on the serenity prayer, breaking down the different parts, different words etc. to figure out a deeper meaning. In the afternoon I had a supervisor review, and then did an assessment of somebody for the drugs course (there's a drugs side and an alcohol side, both quite separate though everyone shares the same office). Turns out it looks as though I might be able to do an NVQ Level 3 (Diploma) award in Health & Social Care, which would really add to my CV alongside the Counselling Skills qualifications, make me a more attractive option for recruiters. I'm waiting on someone at head office to get back to me about that. My supervisor seems to understand that I kinda need to take things a little bit slowly atm, my health is shit as they know from my sadly frequent absences and I have so much on right now with working four days, volunteering another one/two a week, volunteering at my other vol job every other Saturday, coping with my health, studying for this Counselling qualification and trying to have a life too. I know if I push myself too hard I'll burn out and lose it.

Got a phonecall from the Pain Clinic after I left prison, it was scheduled for 4 so I was pleasantly surprised she rang at 3:55pm. You're not allowed to book an appointment to see the pain consultant unless he requests it so they offered me a 'phone consultation' with a nurse instead, I took it as I had no other options. Turns out my consultant is retiring in December and fully booked until then! And they don't know who is replacing him. Anyway good job she rang, she couldn't really help me over the phone so she said she'd squeeze me into one of his clinics before he leaves. She asked why I didn't turn up to my acupuncture session in July and I nearly swore down the fucking phone. I CALLED THEM to cancel the appointment when I received it as I couldn't make it, I was in another city that day or something, and they said they'd get back in touch to reschedule. Bear in mind I was waiting one year for this acupuncture thing in the first place. Anyway they just said 'yeah, sure I'll sort it' down the phone, put the phone down and did absolutely sweet fuck all, so they didn't rearrange another as I was classed as a no show. I feel like I'm smashing my face against a wall trying to deal with the NHS. At my last appointment in January or something, the consultant prescribed me Ketamine but I tried it and didn't get on with it, too much pain inbetween finishing my previous drug and ramping up to the full dose of Ket. But I remember him saying there are another couple of drugs they can try before the sacral nerve neuromodulation therapy, one of which they tend to use in cancer patients for chemotherapy when it gets painful. So I'm just waiting to see him now so I can try and get some more stuff prescribed, I can't keep on dealing with the pain when it strikes, I'm too exhausted. I also don't see why I should have to be in that much agony when things like morphine are available. We'll see what he says.


I went into town once I got home to go to Lush as I've seen a few things on their site I fancied. I got the Chilli Tingle Lip Tint and the Celebrate tint too, and some Snow Fairy/I Love Juicy/Glogg, but I'm waiting until my cold's gone and I can smell things again before I use the shampoo/shower gels as they're too lovely and expensive to waste when I can't feel the full effect. Chilli Tingle is orange but surprisingly wearable, the Celebrate one is really pretty, kinda a frosty pink colour. I nipped into Boots on the way back just to weigh myself as I haven't for a while. I didn't bother taking my jacket or shoes off, but got a seriously nasty shock when I saw my actual weight. I'm at a point where I'm not even going to admit it to people anymore. I feel fat, I feel disgusting, I feel so upset and like I've let myself down getting to this stage. I need to lose it, fast, but I don't have the willpower to starve or the lifestyle to facilitate it anymore. I used to be able to lose weight by not bothering to eat, when I wasn't working as much etc. as I could just get up at 10, wait until 2 to have a bowl of cereal, and then nothing for the rest of the day, but that's just not doable when some days you're up at 6am, home at 10pm and doing things which require energy all day. So I end up eating a huge breakfast, a huge lunch, a huge tea, and snacks, really shit snacks like oat and chocolate biscuits. I just keep thinking it shouldn't be this way, I'm vegan, how the fuck have I managed to get this heavy? I know it's unhealthy, I know I look just about okay but I really can't afford to let it carry on. Anyway I came home stressing out about it majorly, got on the exercise bike and did all of two minutes before admitting it was a ridiculous idea when I'm ill and I just kept wheezing and my arse/hip/leg/whatever injury is hurting even more. I feel so out of control when it comes to food/weight and spending. Both of which I never had any problem with and now make me feel sick on a daily basis. I think pretty often about the possibility of throwing up but I never go through with it, in the past when I've ever tried to do it it just hasn't worked. Maybe I just need to get on tramadol fulltime so I'm always vomiting too much to keep anything down. I know it all sounds insane but I miss being thin, I miss weighing 9.5 stone, I miss being able to wear my old clothes, I miss having that rock hard confidence that came from being as slim as I was. I'm scared about the future and how I'm gonna reverse this.