Off to Paris

I don't feel too well. What a day! I haven't felt energised all week, I've had about four nights of bad, not enough sleep. This morning I forgot to take medication, I only forget maybe once a month. I took a triple dose of some other stuff I have for pelvic pain to make up for it and it worked, getting in the car to go to work remembering you're not medicated is a horrible feeling, knowing there's a whole day ahead going through withdrawal. Work was shit today, wasn't in the mood and had a £100 error which means bye bye bonus and I'm on 144% atm too which is the worst part of it. Anyway I cried at work Saturday, I cried a couple of nights ago, I just finished crying right now. Looking all over for this little thing that connects my shuffle to the laptop to make sure it's full battery so I have music backup incase  my iphone runs outta juice, didn't find it but found the little box of my mum's with my brother's, nephew's, sister in law and my obituaries in. My brother's makes me sob just reading it, he says stuff like 'I know I haven't always showed my feelings towards you but I hope you were listening in the last few hours we had together, thank you for the first 30 years of my life, I can't believe you're gone, can't stop crying and thinking about you, see you soon but not too soon, love you always' from a guy who has practically never showed any feelings. It's so sad. I miss her hard. I took a double dose of meds when I got home tonight which has spaced me out and made me feel sick and drunk and I'm up at 4am. I miss her voice and I regret not making as much of an effort as I could have done and regret trying to be forceful at times instead of understanding, they ain't regrets that keep me up at night but I still feel them. Brother has all the photos, I just have one on the wall of us two, her and Norman Wisdom, and a photo on my phone of my and my brother stood next to her open coffin as our last photo together. Everything's upsetting me. I'm terrifyingly skint and have car insurance renewal coming up, tax disc renewal, and I got a speeding ticket for doing 37 in a 30 when I stopped looking at the speedometer (£95 and a speed awareness course). I'm sick of my weight, I long to be skinny, I constantly compare myself to other women like I never used to. I got a letter today telling me because the professor at a Uni didn't send the right info about my condition in time it has been rejected for my sacral nerve neuromodulation therapy treatment, I can and will appeal but it's such a blow. I have to make decisions all day every day... Do I take a shit now and risk being in too much pain to sleep, or do I wait so I can get sleep and hope I can medicate myself through the pain in the morning, It hurts when I sit back down on my chair at work, it throbs when I breathe laid down in bed. I'm constantly exhausted. I don't know if I can keep up the pace. Only good things in my life right now are friends, relationship and family, which are the most important things but I can't stop the grieving, the self hatred, the stress and worry about not having enough cash to last the month out. Boyfriend is taking me to Paris tomorrow for four days as a surprise, can't wait to get away, armed with a shit load of antibiotics and about 8 types of drug, hope I get through customs okay. Anyway need to go and sleep and iron a jacket and get up at 4am. I wish I could have a break. Godamnit I want my mum back, to see her, hug her, speak to her, you know what the worst thing is? Knowing she went through living hell for three years, losing her dad, drinking morning noon and night, throwing up blood, going from size 14 to a skeleton with skin stretched over it. Having the oxygen mask and feeling like she has her head outta a car window at 90mph and having her son and ex-husband hold her hands down on the bed to stop her ripping it off and suffocating from the pneumonia. Potentially getting brain damage. Laying for 26 hours on no drugs, slowly dying. As bad as it is I wanna relive those times SO much because at least I was with her, you know? It's hard approaching winter as the cold reminds me emotionally of that time, she only died two days before Xmas. Boss keeps saying he loves the new me, because I'm putting so much more effort in at work, trying to be super bright, friendly and chirpy, volunteering to take on extra tasks, getting my targets etc. And I appreciate the encouragement, but when he says I'm like a new person compared to the start of the year it's like... duh, my mum was dying and I was so sick of the pain I took and overdose and got admitted to hospital before a horrific experience with a nurse and discharging myself. If only he knew how I really feel, how I cry in the toilets, cry at home, think about her constantly, want to hurt myself. My left arm is like a map of how many bad things I went through and survived, the scars are only really noticeable if I bring attention to them (which I don't) but I know they're there and I love them, it shows I survived. And I have the urge again to just scratch my arm to shit so I get scabs and blood and then rip them off but it isn't as easy to get away with it now, I'm not at school anymore. I did drag the sharp part of a key across my wrist a few times at the weekend while crying and it felt good, so refreshing, It feels so natural to hurt myself, to feel pain, I'm masochistic to the core and I can only imagine it's my upbringing/teenage years that has created that desire. Gonna really enjoy this four days in a romantic city with the most amazing boyfriend in the world, just hope I can keep my bad thoughts and feelings to a minimum. I made a mix CD for the car to listen to when I'm sad about her specifically. 'Lines in the Sand' by Dream Theater, the song I got into during the week she was dying, I fell in love with the solo, I remember driving to the hospital and back in the icy cold weather and feeling this immense love for the music and weird calmness about the situation with my mum), Sentimental and Normal by Porcupine Tree (The same song in two difference versions... Loved them for years already but they mean more and more to me every week. Lyrics in Normal 'Gotta see the waves, not the wine bottle in the waves now), Pineapple Thief 'I Will Light Up Your Eyes', (the most heart wrenching song in two parts, the first half has this amazing bit where the vocals kinda merge into this chorally thing with some beautiful keyboard patch, the bass rises and yet it's still so sad and laid back... until it bursts into this glory, still the same sadness but almost like it's dragging you up into the light), 'Jamais Vu' and 'Sang Real' by dredg (Sang Real is my funeral song, my hands favourite song in the world, I used to sit in our kitchen smoking and drinking with her and playing those songs to her to show her how sad and gorgeous they were), and several Blackfield songs ('Pain', 'Hello', 'Once' ... again I used to play them to her so she could see what I was getting out of them...), during these chats she told me her funeral songs and I got them down to a tee, she woulda loved it.  Funnily enough nearly every song has lyrics about dying, addiction, loss etc. If you've made it through this wall of text then I congratulate you!