8vm

I've gone into a Dream Theater mental cave where all that matters is me, soaking up as much phenomonal music as I can handle, I ended up fucking crying at Octavarium on the Score DVD, it's not even sad, it's the awesomeness of the music and the interplay between the musicians and the emotions expressed even when they're ones of panic rather than sadness,  I'm gonna make time to listen to them intently more, as a teenager when I got into them it was all I ever did and now life gets in the way, but I could use an extra injection of ecstasy every day to lift my mood and remind me that the best things in life are basically free and I have access to them. Just awesome.

Getting fit is going really well, started using this iPhone app called myfitnesspal and it's amazing, I've lost 3.5lbs in a week. You have to input what you eat each day, and tell it your weight, height, target weight and activity level, then it gives you an aim (mine's 1200 calories a day to achieve what I want) and you just stick to it. It's brilliant how having the actual numbers right there on your phone encourages you to have smaller portions, half a packet of microwave pouch rice rather than the full one, 5 almonds instead of the whole bag. I've been going swimming a few times too and doing 10,12 and then today 20 lengths at each session, I don't really have a proper technique and I'm absolutely shit at swimming but in my own unique style I get across the pool without touching the floor and that's the main thing. 20 minutes on the rowing machine on other days.  Swimming is brilliant, I've always adored the feeling of being in water but didn't swim for the four years I was with my ex as he was so jealous he never wanted me to go and other guys to see me in a swimming costume, I know it's ridiculous but I used to avoid it just to appease him and avoid upsetting arguments even though I knew he was out of order. Well now I can do anytime I like and I actually look forward to going loads, glad to have found an exercise I actively enjoy.

Work is going shit, our manager is being moved to another branch (the company like to move people to other branches periodically to shake things up and you have no say in the matter) and it's a worry because he was really understanding and supportive about my illness and encouraged me past a really rocky start with the company (dealing with bereavement, sickness, new medications and me not really being all that focused on the job when my mum was slowly dying) and into being pretty good at my job and an asset rather than a liability. I have no idea how the new manager is going to be about all that kind of thing, and what's worse is my boss can't agree to me having fulltime hours now he knows he's leaving, I can't even discuss it until new manager arrives early February and that's gonna look so bad 'Hi, I'm Dr. Prog, yeah the one who was on disciplinary for unacceptable absences... btw, can I change my hours around a bit and cause some hassle? Cos I'm not really planning on staying with the company any longer than I absolutely have to'. I'll be first in line for redundancy. And, semi-hilariously, our target has been reduced by 70% without us actually being told. As it stands, if you bust your gut every single shift trying to sell to customers you  may hit target (MAY, cos it's stupidly high) you get about £90 every three months. Now it's going to be about £30 every three months, it's not even worth going for. The job is getting harder and we're having so much laid on us to remember and do, and the reward has decreased by a huge drop and nobody has had the balls to come out and say it, I just think it's shit. I know it's a 'bonus' therefore not an entitlement but it still stucks. But if we don't hit target, we'll be put on a coaching plan, and can be fired after a couple of quarters in a row of not hitting, though I've only seen that exercised once on a woman at the branch from hell, who had been there 30 years, really enjoyed the job and serving and talking to customers but because she couldn't badger, pester, and piss off customers to sell shit like we're asked to, she got the sack. Just shit. I need to get out. Hope to god that this plan for the MA course works out cos I feel like I'm drowning next to a sinking ship and I need more out of life than this.