Dear mum...

I can't breathe, my heart is breaking, totally shattered to pieces. I've never felt so inconsolable. I'm listening to Swan Lake and it feels like my ribcage is fucked or something. I think I'm depressed, but that's normal I think. I know I should feel like this, my mother is dead, I'm sick and getting worse, I'm worried about my relationship because I can't have a sex life, I'm so skint I have £80 to last until pay day, I don't want another birthday to arrive to remind me that it's an anniversary of the day my mum pushed me into the world after nearly dying with pre-eclampsia, I just don't care and can't stop crying. Music isn't a comfort, it's masochism listening to her favourite songs but it has to be done, I have to. All I have left are memories and diaries and music and I'd take physical pain over this any day but lucky me, I get to have both. I'm so full of gratitude and I can see her so clearly except for the fact that she's a skeleton in some museum uniform clothes six feet under now and all I have left is the past. I can cope cos I always do and it's what I do and I have no choice. I can't stand this pain much longer. I'm beyond exhausted. I'm worried sick about whether or not I can do this Masters, it feels SO close yet it isn't really feasible unless my hours get increased at work, which I don't know will happen because the powers that be are taking forever to get back to me, but I can't stand the thought of letting this opportunity go. I can't cry much more, I've run out of tears, I've fucked up another £15 pair of contact lenses.