Still off work, planning on going in tomorrow but I'll see how I feel in the morning. They are being really good and understanding, my boss is in touch with HR so they know the situation and the nurse at the external FirstAssist service they use to manage health attendance and disciplinaries knows me as I was her caseload last year, and she's fully aware of the effects buprenorphine and duloxetine have on your mind and body. I'm not in much pain, which is just brilliant, but the side effects are really, really tough. I'm just MEGA sleepy, sleeping 12 hours a night and napping for hours during the day, sweating a lot, so tired my eyes can't focus on anything even if I pin my eyes open, nice and numb in my extremities and my general skin, it's just the high feeling and the sheer exhaustion, I've never known sleepiness like it in my life. I think in part it's a combo of both of the drugs rather than just one of them. If I'm too tired in the morning I'm just not gonna go. But anyway, work have told me not to worry about triggering disciplinary, which is a huge relief. I was really worried about how I'm gonna have time off to adjust to each patch increase, plus the operations and recuperation etc. but they understand what it's all about and they're not going to jump on me with an automatic disciplinary. The biggest problem is I've nearly ran out of sick pay, only have 17 full pay hours left, and then I'm onto 140 hours of half pay, which is seriously worrying. Bf says we'll cope, though. He earns around the same as me, and hasn't got much spare, but on half pay at least I'll be able to cover my part of the rent and almost all of my personal bills, then I'll just have to ask him to help with my other bills and to buy the food etc, he said he'll do as much as he can so at least I'm not in it alone eh. Work made it clear that if I don't feel well enough, I shouldn't go in, that they appreciate my effort in trying to get in this and last week where I ended up falling asleep on the floor but if I'm not fit to work I'll be sent home anyway so put myself first. I'm lucky to have such understanding employers and not the twats I had at the last branch :)

Last night my bro picked us up to take us round to his for a couple of hours (I still daren't drive) to chill out, it was really nice. My bro and bf get on really well which is brilliant, no previous boyfriends have ever wanted to talk to or get to know him due to his reputation and whatnot but these two just get on well, it's all chilled and great. My brother even half jokingly invited himself round for beer n footie on the tv sometime with my bf when I'm not here, which in his terms is practically a declaration of love. Anyway I did more Auntie things last night, I ran a bath to the right temperature, went upstairs with nephew and he was real excited and giddy to get a bath, stripped him off, got him in there, washed him and washed his hair and rinsed him and played with his toys with him, then got him out and dried him off, carried him downstairs, put his nappy on (wrongly, so bro had to redo it but it was a valiant second effort), put his pyjamas on him and brushed his hair. I felt like I was properly getting used to what to do with him. Really great. He did a wee in his potty too. I love that kid harder than anyone, or anything I've ever loved before, he eclipses relationships, how I feel about music, the passion I feel for animal rights, somehow I just feel more strongly about that little boy than anything else, it's great. My dad and brother work together at the minute, and my dad asked my brother how I was doing yesterday when at work and my brother said not too great, so my dad panicked and rang me to see how I was and said he does worry, I said don't worry, he said I must ring him when I'm not well or I need help etc. and I said for now, just assume I'm shit, and if anything else happens I'll always get in touch with you. It really was nice actually, I feel really cared for and looked after by both of them, and my bf, and my best friend. I went for a coffee with her yesterday which was pretty funny while high and out of it and she's the best listener, she just knows me inside out and the situation and has the best advice and says the right things and I generally feel like she has my back, 100%. I just adore her, I'm so lucky and I recognise that really frequently. I'm lucky to have these people in my life that love and care about me so much. That feeling alone makes all of this feeling shit quite significantly easier, the idea of going through it alone is just horrible. Off for my fourth nap of the day.