Well I'm slowly starting to come down a bit from these drugs, it's weird when you start a new one and at first you can't believe how smashed you are on them. But then a couple weeks later your body just takes it as a given that you're gonna take it, you don't even notice you're on it and can't remember how it could ever have made you feel even a little bit out of it. And then you're into physical addiction land where you have to take it anyway. I came off the anti-depressants as I didn't feel they were really helping me a lot, no more than the pregabalin alone so no point continuing to take them. Truth be told I didn't feel any different on them, pregabalin did a number on my mental and physical sensations and general level of numbness, but anti depressants, nothing really.
I'm even more of a nightmare to sleep with on these, and it's getting so that bf is kipping on the couch most nights recently because I'm so difficult to be in bed with. He's a light sleeper anyway, but I punch, kick, snore, dominate the bed, make these weird choking sounds that sound like I'm suffocating (he thinks I need to mention that to the GP but I've not had time yet, plus I feel more and more like they must think I'm taking the piss going to an appointment every week and always having something new to discuss). I talk in my sleep, sometimes wake up in a kind of shock crying, occasionally wake him up IN MY SLEEP to talk to him and he just gives up and goes onto the couch, has back pain from trying to contort into positions that he can sleep in with me taking up most of the bed. He said he hasn't had a good night's sleep since he moved in and he's exhausted. I feel awful because it's me causing the problems, even though I'm asleep and can't do anything about it I'm causing him serious exhaustion and feel really selfish. For me the point in the day when I feel most connected and close to my bf is when we're in bed. I don't just mean for smutty reasons, though of course that's a big part of it, but just the closeness of falling asleep wrapped up in each other, of waking up spooning, of those random nights where you go to bed and just end up laying and talking for hours all close, like the world outside of your bed just doesn't exist. I just feel really close to someone that way so it's bumming me out a bit this current situation because I'm annoyed at myself to cause him problems like that and confused as to how to actually sort it out for the future. He tries to wake me up to stop me from snoring or move me to the other side of the bed or whatever but I'm so zonked out I just don't. I have no idea how he maintains his patience and doesn't just scream at me in the morning when I wake up because I'd be going mental if my sleep was disrupted so much.
Off to see the shit out of the Pineapple Thief later on tonight, a friend is driving so I don't have to worry about it, will be good to get out for a bit. I went for a walk into town yesterday and Starbucks with my friend (nearly a full week without tea or coffee, a week and a half without a cigarette, and I'm totally off the alcohol, pretty proud of myself, but only for the first one cos that's the hardest) and ended up in Superdrug accidentally spending £40, I was pretty disgusted at myself for that. Couldn't find my credit card so ended up putting it on my actual current account, which now takes me down to £10 for the next fortnight, did get a couple presents among that but still fairly angry at myself. If I can't afford petrol I really shouldn't be buying nail polish but I just seem to do it. Buying makeup/beauty stuff is by far my favourite thing to shop for and I can spend literally an hour in Boots or somewhere just looking at things but I do too much of it. I got my brother some Lynx to go with the Haribo as my mum's staple stocking fillers for him were always Lynx and Haribo so I thought it'd be nice to make him feel reminded of her now it has almost been a year. Not that I think he's forgotten her, just that I feel a bit of responsibility towards him now that she isn't here and he doesn't have a dad or any grandparents either. Nor do sweets and cheap deodrant constitute responsibility, but I just want him to know I remember that stuff. Weird eh. I think I'm still more high than I thought I was. Christmas is gonna suck. I need to go back to work Saturday, I'll have had a week off getting my mind around the Nabilone and shaking off another infection. When I'm too busy I LONG to be at home for a few hours just to chill, alone, and just do relaxing crap, but when I'm in too much I know I overthink things. Even looking forward to getting back to work and just DOING something.
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