Still off work, feeling high, mostly feeling really upset, I'm glad I'm not at work as I can't imagine how hard it would be to try stay focused and happy, I'd rather just go with the feelings. Bf's parents are back for xmas from living in Germany, his mum is spoiling us rotten already and we haven't even had our xmas presents yet, we have 400 cigs (which he's selling on since we quit), a huge crate of German lager I don't really know if is hours, a bottle of amaretto, vodka, and kahlua, three xmas themed Yankee candles (which I fucking LOVE and are way too expensive so yippee) and this real pretty delicate xmas ornament from the German market which you hang up somewhere and live in fear of smashing. It's so nice of her... only a couple days ago I think I was saying how sad it feels that xmas isn't a time of getting loads of cool thungs anymore (materialistic, I know) and now she's really treating both me and him, which is realy sweet. Bf suggested we go see a film tonight to get me out of the house but there's nothing good on and I don't know if I particularly want to.
So I left the house today for a bit, I was going crazy just in the flat all day. I went to the Museum's Quarter, where my mum used to work. She worked mostly in one particular museum but there are several in close proximity to each other and she did spates in all of them. I went into the one she worked at the most, nothing in this world reminds me of her more than that place, if it ever gets shut down I'm gonna be devastated. In there I can picture mentally her walking around the corner to me so perfectly and I torture myself with it. The place was utterly dead anyway, so I just had a wander listening to a few special songs, then sat on a bench out of the way and listened to Rachmaninoff's 2nd and had a big, silent cry. Then her old workmate came past, Gary, and we ended up talking about her for over an hour, he was telling me stuff about her, stuff she'd told him about her grandparents that even I had no idea about. And we talked about how sad it is and how he'd never have guessed she had a drink problem. He's a really lovely guy, about her age, and one of three really really close friends she made working there. He's sort of, not 'anti-social' but, solitary like my mum, and mega into Rimsky-Korsakov and Shostakovich so they used to have loads in common. He told me some stuff like little nice anecdotes and one was pretty weird...
Apparently they'd all been stood around the reception one day about three or four years ago and my mum said something along the lines of 'Oh Gary, can you believe that I'm going to be 60 in three years? I don't feel it, I never want to be 60'. Was just strange. I can remember loads about her once I'm in that museum. He told me about how he'd tried to keep in touch once she got sacked and she'd pushed him away, like she did with everybody. He said they really loved her, it's not like the old days much anymore as most of her crowd have been made redundant, but a few are left who remember her and they often sigh and remember her and say 'poor Jan'. My bro and I aren't sure what to do Friday to mark the anniversary. The only ideas I had were go to the grave to lay flowers, sort through all of her photos into albums so I can have them too, or take Fin to the museum where she worked to have a wander around. The first is boring, the latter two would bum me out massively so I don't know, we'll figure something out. I had a sit in the gardens for a bit and listened to Everloving.
Good news is I'm not hungry today at all, it's 16:38 and all I've had is an apple. I know if I keep it up I'll stop particularly wanting food and the weight might start to drop off, it's how it happens for me. But with xmas coming up its gonna be hard. I lose the urge to eat when I'm upset, I would have lost so much weight if bf hadn't kept feeding me when she died. Not that I'm not grateful for that, I really am, just an observation. One of my bestest friends is home for xmas from uni in Norwich and I can't wait to see him. This emotion and mood and feeling calls specifically for dredg.
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