My face is really, really burning from tears for some reason

I got signed off until Saturday,. Can't think straight or stay alert, it was a mistake to go back to work and I made so many mistakes. So I'm off for the week, got a couple of medical appointments but otherwise need to lay low really. So that's a week of being in the flat, mainly alone and trying to quell the sickness I'm feeling as the week goes on. I started crying at fucking Jeremy Kyle today, that's indicitive of my mental state. It's gonna be an interesting Christmas, as everything has changed so much. She was a big part of last year's Christmas and no part of this one. Last year we had a mum and we were focused on her etc. and now it's just us. It will be weird, it's like I'm having to start to relate to my bro like a proper full on person not just the person I thought he was, it's a strange feeling like we're growing up, we're both living with partners, he has an actual son, he's 30 now... and we're doing all this new relationship building without our mum really being there. And my dad's there, but it's not the same. Our family dynamic is all tangled up I guess. He's my dad, but thanks to the three years aged 17-20 I cut him out of my life, he isn't really in dad role much anymore. He helps with stuff a lot, he's always there for me, I couldn't really have a better one, but we ain't as close as I was to my mum. And I love my stepmum but because they married when I was already nearly an adult, we never went through any of that bonding and getting used to her being in a mum role, I've never been anywhere just me and her and I'd like to, I don't know if she realises or would like to herself but I really want that relationship, and it's not that I'm replacing my mum... I just like the company like that. With my mum, we were just so much on the same wavelength, we shared the same dark sick sense of humour, we both loved the dark, rainly, cloudy days when it's grey outside and everyone is hating it except for us, who wake up on a 'shit weather' morning and actually feel our hearts leap the way most people's do when its baking hot outside. We shared the same intensity of passion towards music and what it means to us, spoke about it for hours and hours on end, showed each other stuff, went to classical concerts. She played Rachmaninoff and Shostakovich to me in the womb with headphones, then got me heavily into Tchaikovsky when I was four. In her diaries she writes the odd thing about music, and it's always something really short and simple but full of weight and emotion and conveys instantly how much she really, really loved music. We were both cat people. We were both readers, preferred books to TV and went to central library together to look up new things we wanted to read. She tried so much to protect us from what she was going through, she seemed to do that classic ostrich in the sand tactic when something scary came up and just hoped nobody would notice. Man, she was so totally and utterly transformed. I swear I think about going into her museum and it makes me want to rip shreds out of myself in agony. I still can't believe I lost my mum. That she'll never be my friend when I'm 30 or 40 or 50. That she'll never meet my children or be a guest at my wedding. That my boyfriend will never have the chance to get to know her well enough to see what she was really like underneath the alcoholism. I'm crying so much and it never makes anything better, just destroys £25/pair contact lenses. She was so amazing, she always always trusted me to do the right thing, she never tried to stop me or tell me what to do when I hit 14 and wanted to be out drinking and messing around. She just knew I would be able to look after myself. However much she felt hatred towards my dad after the divorce, she told me she was so happy when he and I reconciled, cos she was a big person. I have this haunting image when I'm really crying that, what if there is an afterlife and she's trapped in it, unable to do anything but watch me cry? I guess that's what being brought up Christian can do to you. She was so funny, so witty and dry, I'll be reading her diary and this little phrase will pop up that just tickles me. She would have been the best nana ever, and it's taken away for good. This time of year is a kicker and I guess now it always will be. I know some people are in really, truly awful positions right now that make my pain seem minimal in comparison, like people who are homeless or addicts or victims of abuse or really lonely old people who at this time of year just see this created image of perfection around them and feel like they want to die. I know I'm lucky but I can't help how I feel. Maybe I'm being ungrateful, I don't know. But I look around and I see happy family or friends who still have their mums and talk to the girls at work who all have kids and they're talking about what their Christmas is gonna be like... I see people getting showered with literally stuff like a car, a holiday, £500 cash, an iPad, and feel quite jealous as my dad gave me £50 and some socks (he has helped me out with about £600 this past couple years though when I lost my job etc.) and my mum isn't around to take part at all. I'm sick of literally being just on the surface level financially almost dipping into my overdraft repeatedly and still paying off a loan for the next four years, so seeing people get given loads of random money is upsetting. I'm not seeing my dad on xmas day, I probably won't see him until after xmas now. I don't know why, the idea of seeing him on xmas day just doesn't come up. I feel kinda slotted into his life at times, I guess because we stopped talking for a few years and he moved out, got a house, got married, made loads of new friends because his wife is very social like him and he was in a much happier place, and then a couple years later I slide back in, but I don't really fit properly into his new life, I see them as kinda a twosome and we're peripheral and I just don't feel a very big part of his life. It'd kill me if I thought he would ever read that because it's an awful thing to say. So I'm spending xmas with bf's family, which is going to be interesting. I really like them all, we get on great, but you know what it's like with xmas... another family just isn't yours, everything's different, and I'm still so sore from losing her. /ramble