http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URPfzUmEA4k
Love this song, reminds me so much of my mum even though she never heard it, woulda put it on at the funeral if it didn't have to be songs that she loved and wanted playing. The lyrics seem to make a lot of sense in the situation we were in. I didn't have much on my iPod shuffle the week she was dying, obviously I didn't plan on it happening and choose songs accordingly. But this just happened to be on there as I was on a bit of a PoS binge... and it helped to sit and listen to it sat next to her while she was dying, trying to figure out what to say to her and wondering whether she could even hear it, my brother and I got a few photos taken of us two with my nephew to put up around the bed, at that time we thought she might still live and wake up and see them but she didn't, so we put them in the coffin after we took them down, where they'll still be. It's helpful having the bereavement counselling I have to say. Last Sunday I had a bit of a breakdown, but it was really nice. Can't remember if I wrote about it or not. But it was a relief. Only time it feels real is when I'm crying, cos it actually feels like my mother is dead, and I feel close to her. But it's really bloody hard to get the tears going. I'm not the sorta person who can hear something or say something and just start trembling and have to get out and burst into tears, I dunno what exactly sets me off but it isn't frequent, I wish it was though. I honestly feel like I can just drive to her bungalow, walk in and see her. I really miss her so much :( I want to tell her about Gareth getting a puppy and take the puppy round to see her cos she'd have loved him even though she never let us get a dog. When we took the puppy to my brother's house we were all stood round watching him and Fin interact, and the back doors were open, and a couple of times Fin sorta ran to them, looked up at the sky and shouted something really loud that sounded a bit like 'GAAHHHH!' the second time I said that's really weird, looks like he's having a divine religious experience or something, and my brother said 'he's talking to mam'. I don't believe in that stuff but he does, and she did, and it would be nice to suspend logic and disbelief and think that was actually what was happening or that she could see us, but I don't feel it. Was nice to have her mentioned though, I'm a bit fearful of doing so unless it's necessary incase it upsets him so when he does it it just reminds me he's probably always missing her and thinking about her all the time too. I've never felt so upset as when I read his obituary in the paper, reading words from the brother who doesn't show his emotions, avoids talking most of the time if he can help it and acts all big and hard all the time, saying that he loved her, can't believe she's gone, feels like he's never gonna stop crying and even though he doesn't show his emotions he hopes she could hear him when he was saying goodbye. Even typing those words makes my eyes stream with tears as I think about saying goodbye to her and just the whole horrible incident. His girlfriend's said that she would make sure Fin knew all about his Nanna. Mine was gonna be this awesome one until I realised it was gonna cost £75 so I cut it down to about two or three lines, woulda been funnier to just put 'J, sorry. F.' so the bastards couldn't rip me off too much. I have a photo on my phone of me and my brother stood next to the open coffin in the funeral place, his idea, he wanted one last photo of all of us together. I'm glad I've got it like, but it's still weird to see it. She hadn't worn make up in a few years despite wearing it all of her life up until then but they made her up according to an earlier photo so she had foundation, blusher, lipstick n everything on and she didn't really look much like herself, especially given that her face looked as though it'd started to slide sideways. I never touched her after she had gone cold, would have freaked me out too much, I thought I'd be fine with dead bodies but turns out I ain't. If she could see us now she'd be so proud, I know it. Don't really know what to do with myself, guess I'll do what I tend to do in this kinda mood: go put some appropriate music on and have a smoke in the bathroom. Moby - Everloving will do, because it's beautiful and breaks my fucking heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment