Sat listening to Blackfield, never indicative of a happy mood. Today's been shit, the past few days have been shit. I feel down and sad and sick and full of dread. I feel as though I hate everything right now. Talking to Zi and it helps, she makes me see sense a lot of the time and accepts the crappy feelings and doesn't try to cheer me up or tell me everything's gonna be fine, I know people mean well when they say that but it doesn't help. I still feel like I believe she's dead sometimes and I don't feel happy at home atm, which means I don't feel happy anywhere, I always feel really happy n secure n things here and I don't feel that the past few days, I'm sure it's just me, and I don't want to be anywhere else, but I don't feel as though I'm relaxed or happy here, nothing is making me happy.
Should go to bed soon but I'll just be lying there trying not to cry with thoughts running through my mind, over thinking everything which I never used to do but lately I'm doing all the time. I'm skydiving in a couple of weeks, I'm scared shitless but I can't wait, I just want to feel something really sharp and acute even if it is fear.
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